Two Whores, a Man and a Frigid Bitch

This weeks posts are a collaboration of sex. Some things are funny, some are disturbing. Chances are you may be left feeling slightly ashamed after you've read them all.
Part of me woud like to reassure you, wonderful reader that this will be the last of the horrific details you'll be subjected to...But then I'd be a liar.
In case you missed the previous mind scarring posts from Lily and I, take a trip back a day or two and read, or even re-read the following posts.

Sex and the Lily

Bulges, Midgets and a mish mash of awkwardness.

Stay tuned for our guest posts later this week.
~Jenni

Bulges, Midgets and a mish mash of awkwardness.

Welcome to Perverts Anonymous.
I'll be your leading lady in all things that make us perverts. Or just the stuff that makes me a ridiculous pervert....
First off. I check out 99% of men I come into contact with, directly or indirectly. Yes I look at your crotch. Yes, I'm trying to determine if you have a big cock. And yes I am wondering whether or not your good in bed. Why? Because other people's sex lives or even lack there of, fascinate me. Also penis size is pretty interesting as well.

Yeah, that's pretty much what I'm watching out for...

(I never even noticed how unattactive his face was until I posted it)

Now, I've been married for a long ass time. We've been together for a million years. But unlike most of you poor married schmucks, we have a very active and dirty sex life. Granted there was a terribly depressing hiatus from the sexy time once he knocked me up. That old wives tale about being pregnant with a boy means a higher sex drive, was bullshit. The thought of even looking at his normally beautiful penis was enough to make me want to pull out some Bobbit moves.

Fear not! Children got older, I stopped giving a shit so much about how they ruined my body and  got back on the horse (pun intended).

Since I'm picturing you doing it. Here's your mental image of my dirty adventures. Think midget sex.

I promise this is not actually me...

But not the totally deformed kinda midget. My appendages are all properly proportioned to the rest of me and my head is normal sized. I swear. I'm a regular person, just shrinky dinked.
Remember shrinky dinks? They were awesome.
All the things that your picturing you'd like to try with a small person, we do/have done. And all the things that you think that probably wont work, they probably don't...Like 69's , yeah slightly awkward with our enormous height difference...


I gotta say though, one thing about men perplexes me. Why? Oh Why? Must you look at a vagina so closely/intently? Don't get me wrong I love my vag, she's a beast and takes it like a champ, BUT your not a doctor and you don't play one on TV. Stop looking at it like that. I know it's confusing and it rarely reacts the way you want it to when left to your own decision making skills, but I swear you cannot look at it hard enough to make it happy.
Stop.
Just Stop.

Also, I promise, this too is not the real me.

~Jenni

Now, I'm not saying all girls who look like this are sluts. Just almost all of them.

Personally, I blame Paris Hilton ,

*cough, useless meat sack, cough*

Sorry, tickle in my throat there. Also I'm convinced that there's way too much of the world's population that are Vitamin C deficient. How else can you explain why so many idiots are convinced that having their skin color a lovely shade of oompa loompa orange is sexy?

~Jenni

I can quite clearly remember a time when woman wore make-up and tans in order to look like women and not like hoes. Seriously, hookers up and down the country are up in arms that their 'trashy not classy' look is being usurp by these so-called fashionistas, or as I like to term them, skanks.


And what's with the whole 'the darker the better' spray tan? I went into a furniture shop and tried to purchase a lovely hardwood, mahogany figurine up-light. Imagine my surprise when I tried to plug it in and heard a voice telling me to 'bugger of.' It was only then that I'd realised I'd tried to plug in an 18 year old female... OK, so I lied but the fact that women are walking around looking like a cross between a an orange glow stick, or like they've been baked in the oven at a temperature of 180 degrees, for an hour and a half, is fucking ridiculous.
I too blame Paris Hilton. A woman who makes prostitutes look like the better option.
~Lily

*snort* I totally would have believed the story if you were trying to tug on an 18 yr old boy... That I could picture you doing. With you being all penis deprived and all.

I think that these girls/women....can we even call them that anymore? I think they need a new category.

Beef Jerky Skanks.

Yeah, that's better.

I think these Beef Jerky Skanks, must hold secret meetings. They probably vote on what hideous shade of orange should be more popular and hold contests for how light they can bleach their hair and pastie pale they can get their lipstick. Come on now, am I the only that noticed how they all look EXACTLY alike?  It seems like the only reasonable explanation.. 

It's a secret Beff Jerky Skank Society.

~Jenni

Also, if you google cunt, a twat load of Paris Hilton pictures show up. Coincidence? I think not.

Actually, speaking of cunts, I had this strange obsession with Prince in my younger days. My bedroom walls were plastered with images of the 'Purple Prince' and I would always end up with a decidedly damp patch in my underwear whenever he came on the TV.

My older brother had a huge collection of porn and one night, I waited while he was out for the night and took a peak at one.

My first beaver shot was also the end of my long standing love affair with the Paisley one. Can you see why?

Prince

A vagina.

OK, maybe it's just me then.

~ Lily

I had to read this twice.

Then it clicked.

Then coke came out of my nose, cause I snort/laughed so hard...

Do you have any idea how much it hurts to have a carbonated beverage come out of your nose!?!?

Not too mention the mess I made all over my shirt and computer screen...

Thanks for ruining Prince by the way. Now he's just a hairy pussy with eyeballs.

~Jenni





Introduction

In this great wide expanse called the 'world wide web,' there exists a myriad of blogs all calling forth to be read. This blog is the brain child of two women who just also happen to be mothers.
 However, DO NOT for one second, presume this to be a 'mom/mum' blog, for to do so will only result in your assumptions being bitch slapped into oblivion and you the assumer, (yeah I know it's not a real word, so bite me) being severely and metaphorically kicked in the inguinal region. (which is the posh term for groin. See how bloody cultured I am?)

Now some people might think that the very nature of pushing out 9 month gestated 'womb fruits' from our poontangs, would makes us virtuous, pious and responsible in the face of motherhood. But those sad deluded fuckers couldn't be more wrong.
So a word of warning for those whom happen to chance upon this blog, It is not for the faint hearted among you. And with that in mind, if you are the type that is easily offended or of a nervous deposition, now would be a really good time for you to fuck off.

Right, introduction over and done with, I'm off to watch some porn.

Lily, Jenni