Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Bulges, Midgets and a mish mash of awkwardness.

Welcome to Perverts Anonymous.
I'll be your leading lady in all things that make us perverts. Or just the stuff that makes me a ridiculous pervert....
First off. I check out 99% of men I come into contact with, directly or indirectly. Yes I look at your crotch. Yes, I'm trying to determine if you have a big cock. And yes I am wondering whether or not your good in bed. Why? Because other people's sex lives or even lack there of, fascinate me. Also penis size is pretty interesting as well.

Yeah, that's pretty much what I'm watching out for...
(I never even noticed how unattactive his face was until I posted it)

Now, I've been married for a long ass time. We've been together for a million years. But unlike most of you poor married schmucks, we have a very active and dirty sex life. Granted there was a terribly depressing hiatus from the sexy time once he knocked me up. That old wives tale about being pregnant with a boy means a higher sex drive, was bullshit. The thought of even looking at his normally beautiful penis was enough to make me want to pull out some Bobbit moves.
Fear not! Children got older, I stopped giving a shit so much about how they ruined my body and  got back on the horse (pun intended).

Since I'm picturing you doing it. Here's your mental image of my dirty adventures. Think midget sex.
I promise this is not actually me...
But not the totally deformed kinda midget. My appendages are all properly proportioned to the rest of me and my head is normal sized. I swear. I'm a regular person, just shrinky dinked.
Remember shrinky dinks? They were awesome.
All the things that your picturing you'd like to try with a small person, we do/have done. And all the things that you think that probably wont work, they probably don't...Like 69's , yeah slightly awkward with our enormous height difference...

I gotta say though, one thing about men perplexes me. Why? Oh Why? Must you look at a vagina so closely/intently? Don't get me wrong I love my vag, she's a beast and takes it like a champ, BUT your not a doctor and you don't play one on TV. Stop looking at it like that. I know it's confusing and it rarely reacts the way you want it to when left to your own decision making skills, but I swear you cannot look at it hard enough to make it happy.
Just Stop.
Also, I promise, this too is not the real me.



lily said...

OH MY SHIT! That picture of the midget...WRONG on so many levels. in fact, I can't even count the amount of levels there are, because it is soooo wrong.

Didn't stop me laughing like an arse though.

Jenni said...

*snort* There is something really un-nerving about a midget stripper isn't there?!

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